12.18.2008

drugs are no good

There's too much going into being a cancer patient. It's too difficult to keep up with it all and there's no rewards. I'm starting to lose it. I take all these drugs now- drugs to get the cancer out, but then along with that, drugs to try to make me feel normal since the cancer drugs make me feel like I've died already. Drugs to cure the pain and aches, but then more drugs to cure the constipation I get from the drugs that cure the pain and aches. Drugs to keep me from getting other infections, like shots to boost my red and white blood cells, or anti-biotics to keep me from getting pneumonia. Shots to give myself so I don't get blood clots before it's too late. Drugs to keep my brain sane, knowing that I have a chronic and terminal "cancer" and all. Drugs to make me eat- everything tastes like grainy metallic paste. There's a headache. Drugs for headaches because all these drugs, well, they mess with your body and head and make you loopy with headaches. Drugs to keep the incessant cough and tickle in my throat from making me hack everytime I want to say something. How did I ever get into this? Yeah, so I'm more than fed up with this. I wish I could hibernate from it all and come out again brand new feeling, with no tubes in my nose, and eyes that have eyebrows and eyelashes so I don't scare the kids so much with my sallow Gullum-like glower. I'm beyond the sob my eyes out now. It's just glare at things, hold my body tight together so it doesn't fall apart and break and try to read or something- even that tastes bad, though. This unlucky capsule is where I have to live in day to day until a miracle let's me out. This all sounds like Gothic sludge, I don't know what else to say. I can't even see that the sun today is it's usual color. That's why I am apologizing now for putting a major hold on the blog-writing for now. No one wants to read a blog like this! And this is what I'm afraid it's going to be like for a while. Go check out fun, inspiring websites, like boingboing, or something or other. Don't worry, it's the same me writing this awful slop, but I just don't want anyone to have to drudge themselves into it. I'll come back later, maybe next year, even.

7 comments:

"Ms. Embree" said...

Oh Nora. I wish...I don't know, I wish we could both hibernate somewhere together, like butterflies just make cocoons and sleep for a few months and then come out in the srping all fresh and new like the leaves. I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling down, but I also totally understand, and I appreciate your honesty. We (your friends and blog readers alike) are not just hear to get the sugar coated entries. This is about what is going on with you and I for one, want to hear all of it, the good, the bad, the metallic tasting. Even in the case of bad news you are an amazing writer. Your stories are a part of you and at present it feels like this is my only means of getting in contact with you so...don't feel like we don't want to hear it just because it is bad news. That being said, if you are just tired of feeling like you have to write it, well then I understand that. Love you forever.

Felicia said...

I love you Nora!!!! I know saying, "Hang in there!" sounds really cheesy and lame for what you're going through. But really, hang in there. Oh, and the word verification on this comment is "tater" and that made me giggle!

Jess said...

Nora, I'm glad you write about hating all your drugs and your aches and your bare lids and brow bones. First of all, it's real and it's part of your life right now and anyone who is reading your blog is reading because we love you and want to know about your life right now, especially right now while you are not able to run about the Twin Cities and tell us all in person at your leisure. Second of all, it answers the questions some of us are afraid to ask, and maybe that you are afraid to bring up in casual conversation. "How are you doing, Nora?" probably doesn't feel like an invitation to say, "I'm constipated and hurt all over and feel like I'm falling apart." (It is just that invitation, however, but I can imagine it doesn't feel like one.) And another thing - if you can't unload your feelings about your life on your own blog where the hell else can you spill it? GEEZE!

Finally, I personally appreciate your honestly and candor about your life with awful cancer because it gives me a small window into what my dad went through with his cancer treatment. So you baring your soul is not only good for you but it's good for the people that love you. And I for one really love you.

See you tomorrow, I hope!

poodletail said...

Nora, friends are people who don't always talk happy talk with each other.
We are your friends. We all look forward to a time when we can talk about silly things again but in the meantime here we are.
P.S. my CAPTCHA is "oariptu". Sounds like a Star Trek word, doesn't it?

Dr Em said...

Nora Snora,

My dad wrote, "Life is not just sweet; it is all flavors, smells, temperatures, and other experiences." I don't expect your blog to be all flowers and sunshine all the time because that would not be real. You're getting an extra helping of some of life's nasty, metallic, sucky flavors right now. Honestly, I will read anything you write about because I love you. To me, your writing is like a gift and I really appreciate that you are sharing it.

When I was a tween, my mom always said to be true to yourself. Just do that. If you feel like writing about bunnys and on-line shopping go for it. If you feel like writing about being constipated that's awesome. If you're worried about people being uncomfortable reading about the truth about living with cancer, that's their problem not yours. You can write about whatever you want. It's got to be real!! (to the tune of Got to Be Real by Cheryl Lynn).

I love you to pieces. XOXO em

Mary Jo said...

Nora, you don't ever ever have to apologize for writing in your blog. You can do whatever you want here. If you don't feel like writing, then don't write, but if you want to bitch and complain, go for it! This is your place and noone will complain. We all love to read your writing. You are a gift to us all and we love you. I only wish that my words could give to you what your words give to me. I am so very proud to be your aunt and I love you dearly. So go ahead, bitch, moan, curse and swear away!!! ( I won't tell your mom!)

Jess said...

I like the way Em put it yesterday, just a slight variation of what she wrote here.

"If you can't talk to your friends about being constipated who CAN you talk to?!"